The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special preys on your Yuletide spirit

I suppose Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special is the closest this (streaming) generation will come to a Star Wars Holiday Special, a Home Alone, a Love Actually or even a Cartoon Network All-Star Christmas Special. Which is ironic, because this mega-budget 44-minute short about heroic outcasts is, by nature, anything but inclusive – it’s an ‘Entry by Invitation Only’ closed-door affair. Everyone with a Disney+ Hotstar account (or access to one) can watch it of course. But having the freedom to watch it is one thing; earning the freedom to enjoy it is another altogether, especially in this day and age. For those who haven’t had the time, patience, bandwidth or inclination to spend most of their waking lives following each of the 875 MCU installments thus far, may Thor save you. (Oops).

It’s been five years since the last Guardians movie, so it’s perhaps understandable that director James Gunn needed his merry gang to be seen and heard again. Don’t get me wrong, I admire Gunn as much as the next Scorsese-crippled cinephile. But I wish this standalone television special aspired to be little more than a frothy marketing gimmick that exists solely as a reminder of the titular Marvel superhero team that nobody is in danger of forgetting. Surely, for a multi-billion dollar franchise, Marvel could have done better than a fake mistletoe.

The ‘story’ occurs in the aftermath of Thor: Love and Thunder. The Guardians have bought Knowhere and are in the process of rebuilding it. Peter Quill (a sleep-walking Chris Pratt), their leader, is a worker ant who has no time to heed the arrival of Christmas on his former home planet. Like any sane-minded half-alien lover, he’s also pining for Gamora, distracting himself from grief with the sullen renovation of Knowhere. Once Drax (Dave Bautista) and Mantis (Pom Klementieff) learn that little Peter’s Christmas was ruined by the late Yondu Udonta, the gruesome twosome decide to get him a present to cheer him up. Their grand idea? Get Peter’s childhood hero (and legendary Marvel gag), Kevin Bacon. So off they go, to Hollywood Hills on Earth, in search of the Footloose actor that might remind Peter of his happy days (and the Fonz).

I can tell you that their search for Bacon is cute, but it could have been a hundred times funner (if that’s a word) if the makers weren’t hellbent on keeping this limited to a flimsy TV special. The possibilities in Los Angeles are endless – I could have watched another 40-minute film about the adventures of Drax and Mantis in Hollywood – yet it’s over before you know it. I could have also watched a separate 40-minute special about Peter’s first moment with Kevin Bacon (who’s just phoning it in for a hoot), yet it barely registers. I could have also watched Bacon waiting for his family that maybe never turns up, but that’s heading into hashtag-edgy DC territory.

Regardless, I found myself unmoved by the musical feel-goodness of the whole thing. The Christmas cheer feels too stagey and preconceived, like we’re supposed to get it without really needing to watch it. I think I know why. The Marvel movie franchise is characterized by a quick-witted, spoofy tone. Most of them are wisecracking superheroes who know they’re catering to viewers that find it difficult to believe in superheroes. As a result, most of the planet-hopping installments play out like parodies of themselves – creating the illusion that they’re performing for us instead of occupying their do-or-die bubbles. This irreverence works for some of the titles, namely Thor and Guardians of the Galaxy. But the problem with this tone is that when the writing aims for traditional human emotions, even the sweetness feels spoofy. Like it’s not supposed to be taken seriously. When the characters try to move us, humour is designed to keep diffusing – and, in some cases, trivializing – the tension and feelings.

Consequently, even the filmmakers don’t spend a lot of effort composing such scenes; fans are simply expected to buy into the intent. Take, for instance, Kevin Bacon coming to his senses after snapping out of Mantis’ spell, his shock of realizing that he has been abducted to another planet, promptly followed by his transformation into a generous moviestar who buys into the Make-Peter-happy plan and sings a cool song. All of this is done in less than two minutes, with the emotional depth of an internet skit. The idea is cool, of course, but I find it hard to believe that all comic book-movie fans need today is their friendly streaming superheroes showing up on screen and putting on a lip-sync-level sold-out show. Or maybe it’s not so hard to believe. On Christmas – even if it’s just a Christmas plot – everything goes. Never mind that every single day feels like Christmas for MCU enthusiasts who can’t eat a meal without being alerted to a new title dropping. If you’ve invested so much of your life in something, it’s bound to feel good – even if it’s not.

Rahul Desai is a film critic and programmer, who spends his spare time travelling to all the places from the movies he writes about.

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