Let’s Talk about Love: The dangers of love bombing, now recognised as a sign of abuse in the UK

Have you dated someone who has taken the relationship from 0-100 in a second? Have you been unpleasantly or maybe pleasantly surprised at the pace of wooing by your partner? Has your partner ‘bombed’ you with extreme displays of attention and affection?

If your answer to any of the questions above is yes, then maybe you have been a victim of love bombing.

And the act has become so pervasive in the United Kingdom that the Crown Prosecution Service has now recognised it as a form of domestic abuse.

But what exactly is love bombing? How can it affect an individual?

Love bombing, explained

A recent phenomenon in the dating world, not many people are aware of this practice neither are they able to spot it. According to experts it is a form of emotional abuse and a situation where a partner overwhelms you with love and affection, but doesn’t respect boundaries, or manipulates you or tries to control your life through apparently loving actions.

Lori Nixon Bethea, PhD, owner of Intentional Hearts Counseling Services, explains to Cosmopolitan that for a person indulging in love bombing, the purpose is to enhance their ego by gaining power over those being pursued.

According to Samanth Burns, a couples therapist and author of Breaking Up and Bouncing Back, “Love bombing is when the partner comes on very strong with praise, affection, and grand gestures, which make you feel like the biggest catch in the world, creating an intense connection [quickly].”

She adds that once the so-called ‘bomber’ acquires the person’s trust, they then indulge in “manipulative behaviours and emotional abuse, such as gaslighting,” meant to break you down after building you up.

Couples therapy experts note that love bombing might look like someone is constantly complimenting or dramatically professing love and devotion or bombarding a person with grand gestures or expensive gifts. It is because of this that it makes it hard to spot, as it feels similar to what people want in relationships – to feel loved and adored.

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Another problem with identifying love bombing is that it can happen anytime and by any person in a relationship. It need not be a new relationship or a certain type of individual who practices this technique.

However, psychotherapist Ami Kaplan notes that it’s most often a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder. Speaking to Cosmopolitan, she said, “It’s about really getting the other person. Then, when they feel like they really got the person and they feel secure in the relationship, the narcissist typically switches and becomes very difficult, abusive, or manipulative.” She adds that the same person who was just super idealising of their partner will switch to devaluing them.

Signs of being love-bombed

Experts note that love bombing isn’t uniformed or and the act isn’t going to look the same in every situation, but there are some signs people can keep eye out for.

The most important and biggest red flag that you may be a victim of love bombing is excessive attention and praise. While this sounds like relationship heaven, it is also one of the biggest indicators of being love-bombed.

People who have been at the receiving end of love bombing says it’s like a drug – you put up with all the bad because you will be receiving praise and flattery. However, this is not sustainable. Once a love bomber has established trust and dependency they go through a withdrawing stage. One expert noted that love bombers will discard you when they have had their fill and then they’re back when they feel that their control isn’t working.

Another tell-tale sign of love bombing is lavishing gifts on a person. As love-bombers want to be acknowledged for their generosity and attention, they’ll often bombard their partner with extravagant gifts. This can feel like an ideal situation at first but eventually will transition to control, criticism, confusing behaviour, or even withdrawal if they feel they’re not receiving enough appreciation for their gestures.

Intense jealousy and ensuring that you don’t have time for another relationship – be it with a friend or with a colleague or even a family member is another sign of being love bombed. Love bombers often try to isolate their victims to create dependency. Your partner might tell you what to wear, they might offer to drive you everywhere, and they might try to cut you off from your loved ones.

CPS on love bombing

Noting that such behaviour is harmful, the CPS has updated its guidance on the many varied ways that abusive partners will emotionally and physically seek to manipulate and control people.

The guidance from the CPS seeks to inform prosecutors about different abusive tactics that might be used, particularly those that could be misrepresented to mislead criminal proceedings or weaken a case.

Many activists and domestic abuse charities have applauded the move, saying it was time that this practice was being recognised for its negative effects. Ruth Davison, Chief Executive of Refuge, told Hearst UK, “It’s vital that the criminal justice system recognises the extent perpetrators will go in an attempt to control and manipulate a partner, and this change is a step in the right direction. I hope this updated guidance means more survivors are able to seek justice for the crime perpetrated against them. It is now the job of our police forces and courts to show perpetrators this is not behaviour that will be tolerated.”

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Gemma Lindfield, a barrister practising family law in UK, was quoted as telling Metro, “All too frequently the police can misunderstand the subtleties of domestic abuse and the genesis of it in a relationship.”

One must understand that love bombing no matter how ideal or lovely it sounds, it is dangerous and is ultimately a form of manipulation. This is because it makes you feel a certain way that benefits the love bomber.

Additionally, love-bombing can be used as part of reconciliation, after a victim has pulled back from an abuser after a particular incident of abuse. It is most often used after an instance of physical domestic abuse. For instance, a man hits a woman and then apologises profusely and showers her with gifts, demanding she take him back. This is a classic case of love bombing.

Steps to take if you are love bombed

The first thing is to identify this behaviour. Sometimes this may be difficult for the person involved and hence, in such a situation turning to someone outside the relationship to fully acknowledge the fact that you’re dealing with a manipulative person is helpful.

Once you have identified that you are dealing with a love bomber, you could have a conversation and set boundaries with them. However, in very extreme cases when this doesn’t work, the best option is to seek help from agencies dealing with domestic abuse.

The main thing to remember is that you aren’t alone in such situation and there is help.

With inputs from agencies

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