Down the memory lane with actor and “love digger” Sushmita Sen

Having an ex stand up for you is the kind of good fortune that few people can boast of but actor Sushmita Sen is no stranger to unconventional things happening in her life. News reports suggest that when Vikram Bhatt, her former boyfriend, who directed the recent film Judaa Hoke Bhi (2022), was asked to comment on the hoopla surrounding Sen’s reported relationship with businessman Lalit Modi, Bhatt kindly said, “She is not a gold digger, she is a love digger…She is a very self-respecting woman who has lived life on her own terms.”

This mature response shows Sen as well as Bhatt in a positive light. Their romance ended long ago but it seems that the warmth is still there. That is perhaps the most beautiful thing to take away from a relationship. When Sen appeared on the talk show Rendezvous with Simi Garewal in 2012, with her elder daughter Renée, she said, “I am so grateful that I have had such wonderful people in my life who have come and left at the right time for me to grow.”

It is a refreshing approach to relationships. There is little baggage to carry because one realizes that life is too short to nurse grudges. Why wallow in misery when there are a million opportunities and adventures that lie ahead? When author-actor Twinkle Khanna invited Sen on her talk show with Tweak India recently, Sen said, “Tumhe kya lagta hai? Humne koi galtiyan nahin ki hai life mein? Dabaake ki hain. Danke ki chot pe ki hain. (What do you think? Have I not made any mistakes in my life? I have owned them. I have been open about them). I don’t carry guilt about them because I never bullshitted about them. I lived them.”

What helps Sen live without guilt is her steadfast value system that prioritizes integrity. She has spoken about wanting to be a mother without the validation of a man, adopting two wonderful girls born of her heart if not her womb, accessing cosmetic surgery, and dating. She has not hidden these things for fear of censure; she is not embarrassed about her choices.

As Sen told Khanna on the show, “Khud ko khoya toh kya paya? That has been my standard belief in life. If you lose yourself, then you’ve won nothing. I have just wanted to be honest and speak my mind, and learn how to speak it gracefully. You can say things very crassly but unfortunately, when you do that, your point is lost.” Her recent social media posts that neither confirm nor deny the relationship with Modi are a combined master class in being graceful.

Apart from her equanimity, it is Sen’s sense of humour that stands out. When she was called a gold-digger, soon after Modi posted about Sen being his better half, she proclaimed, “I dig deeper than gold…and I’ve always (famously) preferred diamonds. And yes, I still buy them myself.” Perhaps she was throwing shade at those who, in earlier years, reported that the diamond rings she sported were bought not by her but by Sanjay Narang and Anil Ambani. With all her achievements, it is foolish to imagine that she’d need a gent to buy a gemstone.

When Sen was on actor Farooq Shaikh’s talk show Jeena Isi Ka Naam Hai in 2002, her emotional recollection of her journeys with the Miss India and Miss Universe beauty pageants showed everyone how she has been raised and what she is made of. She spoke about her reluctance to participate in the Miss India contest because her family did not have the money to buy the kind of designer clothes that she would have to wear on stage. Her mother, Shubhra, told her not to worry about it. She did the most amazing kind of jugaad back then.

Sen recalled, “Kapde khareed ke laaye gaye Sarojini Market se. Hamaare neeche garage mein ek petticoat seene waala aadmi tha, unko jaake thama diya aur kahaa dekho bhai TV pe aanewala hai achchha banana. (We bought cloth from Sarojini Market. It was given to a tailor in our neighbourhood who used to stitch petticoats out of his garage. My mother told him that I would appear on TV wearing those, so he ought to do a good job with them”.

The mother and daughter beamed with pride when this anecdote was shared on the show. After narrating the story of the winning gown, Sen revealed that her gloves were made using socks bought at the local market and repurposed for the stage with elastic inserted at home. Sen summed up what she learnt from her mother that day: “Insaan ko jo chahiye hota hai uske liye paise ki zaroorat nahin hoti, insaan ki intention sahi honi chahiye. (Money may not be a pre-requisite for a person to fulfill their dreams. They need to have the right intention.)

If you needed one more reason to love Sen, this is it. The last few days have outed many insecure heterosexual men who believe that money can buy a woman’s love. It could, but perhaps not Sen’s. She has been an abiding source of inspiration, especially for queer men, because she has shown time and again that one needs to celebrate oneself first and that a chosen family is as beautiful and special as a biological one. After stunning the world with her intelligence and beauty, she is confident today to be herself and her age unapologetically.

She told Khanna, “38 is when I fell ill. From 38 to 40, my attention shifted from my body, my looks to my health. By the time I reached 40, I was like hair, make-up, skin second. That’s why, from 40, started my best phase…40 is my day one. I have just begun.” She is 46 now, and could not care less about the muck thrown at her in the matter of romantic love.

As she told filmmaker Karan Johar in Season 1 of Koffee with Karan in 2004, “Sometimes you outgrow relationships with people. People outgrow you. It is a very natural process. On other occasions, some people can hold your attention much much much longer. It can be a lifetime. It can be 10 years. People celebrate their 20 years of marriage, and then the next day it goes for a toss. Nothing comes with a guarantee. Sometimes they last, sometimes they don’t.” If and when the queen decides to speak about Modi, she will. Dugga Dugga!

Chintan Girish Modi is a Mumbai-based journalist who tweets @chintanwriting

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