Shraddha-Aftab case: Why do movies fail to show the real face of domestic violence?

In an era where we fetishize opinions we don’t own, the weekly ‘Moderate Mahila Mandate’ presents unadulterated and non-partisan views on what’s happening to women in India today.

As the blood-curdling details of how Aftab Poonawalla abused and then killed Shraddha Walkar shake India’s conscience, Shraddha has become the face of domestic violence in India the way Jyoti Singh became the face of rape in India. Last month marked Domestic Violence Awareness Month and today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. If course correction takes place and all stakeholders­ in cases of domestic violence––lawmakers, police force, NGOs, educators, society, neighbours, shelters, family, friends, psychiatrists­­––rally together to create an environment that makes leaving easier for battered women, we will hopefully not see another horrific case like Shraddha’s.

The problem is that when we speak of domestic violence we only buy into stereotypes. The most obvious thing we fail to recognise is that abuse can take several forms. Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual and financial, or (mostly) all of the above. Then we create a prototype of the perfect abuser, victim and abuse. Look at the popular movies on domestic violence recently. The perpetrator in Darlings was the ‘perfect’ prototype––an uncouth man belonging to a certain religion and socio-economic strata. The victim in Provoked was the ‘perfect’ prototype––the abla nari. Even Thappad, which remains one of my favourite movies because––yes––it does all begin with an ‘innocuous’ slap, didn’t capture the fear and heartbreak that domestic violence victims feel. While I thought these movies were brilliant and earnest in intent, I doubt they helped survivors be seen. They perpetuated the same tired tropes of the one-dimensional perpetrator, the one-dimensional victim, and the one-dimensional crime. Is anyone showing us what really takes place behind an abusive relationship? The way an abuser woos, isolates, gaslights, manipulates, and emotionally blackmails his victim? No! That’s why Shraddha’s case is an eye-opener to what abuse actually looks like. And it has left us shocked!

That’s why I wish women are taught how to prepare for divorce, the way they’re prepared for marriage. But our mainstream media and movies have glorified only the process of falling in love. We are constantly told how to fall in love: palat, dance, pheromones, beauty, money, lust et al, but we’re never told how to fall out of love. Therefore, we don’t know that relationships don’t die quickly like a heart-attack. They die slowly like a cancer. And that leaving a relationship is not an event, it’s a process.

Because fabricating a utopian world to suit your life’s narrative is not how life works. For even utopia has two meanings. One is the good place and the other is the place that cannot be. We have an idea that women-beaters are traditional backward-thinking alcoholics, with little to no education. In reducing abusers to these stereotypes, we think that domestic violence is a problem that affects only some people i.e. people we don’t know. But abusers do not have a prototype. They do not come with a placard that says ‘I abuse’. An abuser can be wealthy, well-educated, say politically correct things, he can have a charming exterior, he can even be woke or a self-proclaimed feminist, but under all these layers of sophistication and education he can be a wife-beater and a thorough misogynist.

And, don’t educated, modern women from good families get hit? Every third woman in India is a victim of domestic abuse. It doesn’t matter if she lives in a chawl in Bhatinda or in a fancy penthouse at Malabar Hill. Money, status, independence and education do not save women from violence.

The biggest conversation we need to be having right now is on mental health. I know it sounds foolish, but I didn’t know what abuse was. I thought a woman had to land up in a hospital for it to qualify as physical violence. I didn’t know then that even a slap qualifies as abuse.

I wrote my recent novel Boys Don’t Cry for exactly this reason. Because I could easily have been Shraddha. Because we need to hear the voices of actual DV survivors. It wasn’t easy to write the book. It was in fact traumatic to revisit my past that I’d rather forget, and it took me 8 long years to gather the courage to write it. But I did it for the 200 million abused women in our country, who need to hear stories like this. Because watching trauma similar to your own can help you feel less alone. It can help you recognise that you’re not the only one. It can help validate your feelings and instincts.

We think that abuse is typically meant to scare and intimidate women, not kill them. Hell, most abusers don’t even mean to kill. Not at the start. But they do. We read about it every day, don’t we? Even if an abuser doesn’t mean to, he can kill his victim. Never forget, even a slap can kill someone. My abuser tossed me over a bed and I passed out. If I had landed even an inch to the left or right, I could have snapped my neck and died. It only takes a moment.

The trouble with women is that we think it’s normal to be taken for granted. We don’t trust our instincts because we’ve only been taught to second-guess ourselves. Our need to be loved is so strong that we choose it above our need to be right. But the worst mistake a woman can make is to wait for a man to grow up. Because your love is not going to change him, nor is your infinite kindness and patience. Because a man obsessed with punishing his wife can never let her love him.

So, ladies, stop mistaking tolerating pain as a sign of strength. If a man hits you, slaps you, or threatens you ONCE, leave him! Don’t wait for him to ‘grow up’ or ‘change’. Don’t make excuses for someone treating you badly. Don’t second-guess your gut feeling. Trust your instinct. Remember, women are not rehabilitation centres for badly-raised men. It is not your fault. And you are not alone. Be there for yourself. Because people will not treat you the way they think you deserve, but the way you think you deserve.

Show up for yourself. Stand up for yourself. You are more than a statistic. Let there be no more women like Shraddha, so that there are no more men like Altaf. That is utopia.

Meghna Pant is a multiple award-winning and bestselling author, screenwriter and columnist, whose latest novel BOYS DON’T CRY (Penguin Random House) will soon be seen on screen. You can Insta her @Meghna.Pant.

Read all the Latest News, Trending News, Cricket News, Bollywood News, India News and Entertainment News here. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.