Be it Sanna Marin facing flak for partying or Mahua Moitra trolled for her bag, why are women pulling other women down?

Be it Sanna Marin facing flak for partying or Mahua Moitra trolled for her bag, why are women pulling other women down?

Sep 6, 2022 - 09:30
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Be it Sanna Marin facing flak for partying or Mahua Moitra trolled for her bag, why are women pulling other women down?

Here’s a delicious tit-bit I know you’ll enjoy. There’s an author in Delhi who has been gunning for me over the last ten years. She’s spread nasty lies about me to top editors, top journalists, top authors and top decision makers in my field. She’s left no stone unturned in trying to annihilate my hard work and my career. Here’s the clincher––I didn’t even know this author existed till three years ago, when a concerned author friend, and then a few others, warned me of her maliciousness. I’ve never even had a conversation with this person! And, here’s the bigger clincher­­––today her career is nowhere on the map. She’s been so consumed by her hatred of me––an entity unknown to her––that, as Confucius would say, she’s dug her own grave.

It’s the same story everywhere, isn’t it? Whether it’s Sanna Marin facing flak for partying, to Mahua Moitra getting trolled for her branded bag, certain women are at the forefront of pulling these women down. These women are opinionated about everything another woman does or doesn’t do––from the way she chooses to dress, pleasures herself, to the hours she occupies in public space, to her biological clock, whether she marries, doesn’t marry, has kids, doesn’t have kids, works, doesn’t work––and yet conveniently assume a wide distance when a woman is beaten, raped, harassed or killed.

Because that is the one question I get asked almost every time I’m on stage talking of feminism: Meghna, what do we women do when other women are the ones pulling us down? Where is our sisterhood? Where is our tribe?

Here’s my answer.

First, opinions are like armpits––everyone has them and most of them stink. So, if a woman puts you down, because patriarchy has taught her that all women are her competition, remember that being a woman means you have the strength to fight not only toxic masculinity but also toxic femininity. A woman who pulls down other women, for the sake of it, has a special place in hell, because in her next lifetime she will be born a man. Let karma take care of her. You take care of yourself.

For you are not defined by anyone’s opinion of you, you are defined only by your opinion of yourself. If you think you’re kickass, if you think you’re beautiful, intelligent, smart, rich, independent, cool­­––you will be all those things. You are who you think you are, not what anyone else assumes you are.

Second, don’t take jealousy seriously. You could even develop a sense of humour about it. I know I’m amused at the depraved unhinged hedonist this Delhi author makes me sound like because this image is quite becoming for an artist, especially one whose personal life is quite (intentionally) the opposite. I love that she’s doing free PR for me. Give people more things to gossip about you. Because it means you’re doing and they’re done.

Third, keep doing your good work. Do your dharma. Let someone else take care of your detractor’s karma. When I started my journey as a writer I had infinite odds stacked up against me: I didn’t belong to the publishing industry, I had no godfathers, no clout, no legacy, and no agenda except to tell good stories. But I made it, slowly and steadily, earning every good review, every dedicated reader, and every green-eyed monster––the college acquaintance, a business tycoon, another writer, or another feminist and even an impersonator! I learnt––it’s not me she despises, it’s everything she wishes she has but doesn’t! To evoke jealousy you have to be worthy of it! It means you’re where someone else wants to be. So keep doing what you’re doing. Because no matter how much someone tries to pull you down, if your work is good no amount of jealousy or hatred, can stop it from getting out.

Fourth, pay it forward. Try to talk women up. Women getting into a catfight with each other only furthers society’s voyeuristic desires. Society is taking enough from women, don’t let them take more. If you want to make a difference start by lifting other women not debasing them for your own personal vendetta. Don’t slander someone because they have the body or boyfriend or career or family or lifestyle that you want. Bringing someone down does not make you look good. When you catch people bringing women down, without cause or reason, tell them to stop. Walk away if they continue. Truth is not about opinion but fact. Be wise in whom you choose to believe. I judge not only those who spread rumours about me, but also those who choose to believe these rumours. We are known by the company we keep. Because people who don’t find something to criticise, often make things up! And, liars need believers. So, believe only those who deserve it. Be smart enough to know the difference.

Lastly, silence your own inner critic. Because we women are our own worst critics, aren’t we? We pull ourselves down before others can. We hate our bodies, our jobs, our love lives, our friendships, our weaknesses, our daily mistakes. But we never love, with equal fervour, our bodies, our jobs, our love lives, our friendships, our strengths, our daily achievements. Hearing someone else say something mean about us reminds us of everything awful we’ve thought of ourselves. So, change the way you speak about yourself. The way you think about yourself. I know it’s tough. Trust me, I’m my own worst critic as well. But I now try to embrace and dismiss compliments as easily as I embrace and dismiss criticism, taking away only what comes with authenticity and thought. Believe that you are good and you will always be good. You must trust your voice, your dreams and your talent, no matter what anyone has to say about them.

Ultimately, the best form of retribution from jealousy is for women to be happy. After all, that is the entire purpose of our fight for equality, isn’t it? And yes, while we upend the scales of patriarchy there will be backlash, from both men and women, but the notion of agency is that we will not be cowered as we have been for hundreds of years. It’s time to stop pandering to those who are uncomfortable with a woman’s emancipation and progress. It’s time to stop listening to the voices that truly don’t matter. When someone’s jealousy strikes, and it strikes us all, we must learn who we are is not what others want us to become but who we want to be. So, forgive yourself, love yourself, believe in yourself, and sculpt your own story. You have one life, cease it with both hands, and live! That’s how you deal with life and jealousy, by continuing to do what rings true for you, and building your own sisterhood, your own tribe.

Meghna Pant is a multiple award-winning and bestselling author, screenwriter, columnist and speaker, whose latest novel BOYS DON’T CRY (Penguin Random House) will soon be seen on screen. 

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