Guy Talk: Forget the roses, chew the cud with a cow this Valentine's Day

New Delhi: Moo-ah! St. Valentine’s Day has come to the animal kingdom. And why not? Because love is all around, so why shouldn’t the cows get some too?

The Animal Welfare Board, a statutory advisory body, has put out an appeal – which makes it addressed to all – that exhorts us to hug a cow on Valentine’s Day, February 14. The appeal makes short work of dissing the West and the ‘dazzle’ of its civilization in one terse paragraph before saying ‘all cow lovers may also celebrate the February 14 as Cow Hug day keeping in mind the importance of mother cow and make life happy and full of positive energy’.
Now all that is fine, but does raise some tactical issues.

First, how exactly does one hug a cow? The poor things can’t hug back so there’s no approaching them from the front. Even if they could, who’d want those hooves around his or her neck and a couple of hundred kilos of pressure on the shoulders?

The rear is ruled out too; cows have an unfortunate tendency to kick those rear legs out suddenly and forcefully if they reckon clear and present danger from that quarter. And a kick from an animal that weighs a few quintals will hurt. Bad.

So it’s got to be the side, a flanking approach. Which brings us to the old left-right binary. But before one groans and tweets, it is safe to assume that cows are ambidextrous side-huggers since no real specialisation of higher function has been observed in their fore legs for a few thousand years at least.

Second, who? Can we hug strange cows, or do they have to be known to us? Cow owners, the lucky ones, are ruled out here. So it’s got to be someone else’s cow, a strange beast.

But strange cows usually have stranger owners, and a hug could easily be mistaken for an offensive tactic. A hug with a cow could rub an owner the wrong way.

So it’s got be a known cow; that reduces the field for most of us to the friendly neighbourhood doodhwalla. Buffaloes are ruled out; there’s no cheating or straying in love, and certainly not on V-Day.

Third, where? The cows aren’t coming home till evening when they can be waylaid – no, that’s not what it sounds like – and hugged. This one’s simple therefore, the local gaushaala or dairy will provide a comprehensive selection of four-legged candidates. And there’s marginal utility built in here: get to know parts of the neighbourhood you haven’t even seen before.

Fourth, why? Well, why not?

Because, if you’ve got people to hug, add a cow or two to the list. If not, it’s a start. Valentine’s Day is cows, er, cause for celebration, right?

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