Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan movie review: Salman Khan clichés to the power of infinity multiplied by zero

Cast: Salman Khan, Pooja Hegde, Venkatesh Daggubati, Jagapathi Babu, Vijender Singh, Raghav Juyal, Jassie Gill, Siddharth Nigam, Bhumika Chawla, Rohini Hattangadi, Satish Kaushik, Abhimanyu Singh, Cameos by Bhagyashree, Himalay Dassani, Abhimanyu Dassani. Also: Ram Charan and Honey Singh      

Director: Farhad Samji

Language: Hindi with some Telugu 

In a scene epitomising the ultra meta nature of the recent blockbuster Pathaan, a bruised and tired-looking Shah Rukh Khan and Salman Khan sat discussing the impossibility of passing the baton to the younger generation since they felt none of the newer lot are worthy of replacing their bone-weary seniors. The words may have been spoken by espionage agents played by Shah Rukh and Salman, but the content of the film in its entirety left the audience in no doubt that this was a self-referential conversation about and by the veteran superstars themselves.

Pathaan’s overall mediocrity and questionable politics were overshadowed by nostalgia and affection for SRK, which is what made that scene amusing and effective. But the film also had a zippy pace, slick stunts, the charisma of its lead trio and a peppy soundtrack going for it. There is only so far that love for an icon can carry a project, but the team of Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan forgot that even under-par quality must adhere to a minimum standard to be bearable. If this is what you intend to deliver, don’t pass on the baton, brother. Let youngsters make their own road a better one.

There is not a single Salman-related cliché in this world that you will not find in Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan, which is also replete with allusions to the star’s real-life career. For one, the actor’s fans and the Hindi industry refer to him as Bhai and Bhaijaan, hence the title. An entire crowd sets up his character’s grand introductory scene, in which he flies through the air, flinging his jacket before him and donning it while in motion. He wears that signature bracelet with the blue stone at all times. The woman he falls in love with is called Bhagya, in a nod to the actor Bhagyashree who played his lover in his first film as a leading man, Maine Pyar Kiya (1989). Bhagyashree even has a cameo in this one along with her actual husband and son. Shots of the two from MPK are inserted into their scene together and she says that she has been his admirer from … take a guess … yes, 1989. And in the climax, Salman’s buttons fly open to reveal his rock-hard abs, but for good measure he takes off his shirt and ties it around his head to fight with a bare torso.

To pull off silliness and make it entertaining requires intelligence, a quality that Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan does not possess in a single cell of its body.

From start to finish, the film is designed as an ode to Salman, which might have been okay if it weren’t for its zero imagination, disjointed narrative, noise and loud storytelling. Director Farhad Samji is known for Housefull 4 and for jointly helming the terrible Entertainment and Housefull 3 with his brother Sajid Samji, so I guess this should be no surprise.

Salman in Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan plays a nameless man addressed as Bhaijaan by everyone, much like the nameless SRK character who was known simply as Pathaan. Bhaijaan wards off violent goons who attack him and his people for reasons too dull to be recounted. He is an orphan who has brought up three boys he took under his wing when he himself was a kid. Now grown up, Luv, Ishq and Moh are in love but stuck with a vow of bachelorhood that they had all four once taken to guard against a woman entering the family and ruining their relationships. The film is so meh that arguing with its misogyny is a waste of time.

The brothers set out to set Bhaijaan up with Bhagya. She is played by Pooja Hegde who is 32 according to the Net, and could pass off as 22, because in the Gospel According to Indian Commercial Cinema of all languages, women in their 50s are not good enough to play the romantic partner of a Salman-level male star who is his 50s. This is nothing compared to the fact that Bhagya’s brother – her brother, not her father – is played by Venkatesh who is in his 60s, and their mother is played by Rohini Hattangadi who is also in her 60s. My biology teachers’ heads will be spinning with questions.

Now this Bhagya is Bhagyalaxmi Gundamaneni, a woman from Hyderabad, which is the script’s excuse for the entire jingbang to travel from Delhi to that city, add an army of bright traditional womenswear to the mix plus a Telugu song and choreography that has men doing really funny things with the white and gold mundu, and rope in some major names from Telugu cinema – apart from Venkatesh, there’s Jagapathi Babu and a poorly conceived guest appearance by Ram Charan. Of course the trip southwards does not bring with it any notable cultural detailing. This is not that kind of film. Clearly, the journey has been made only because “pan India” is the new formula for success that has been spearheaded by the Telugu industry.

Randomness and formulae pervade everything in Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan from its plot to its prejudices. Colourism, a gay joke involving a random reference to Homo erectus, a random mention of racism, a random bow to religion (Bhaijaan falls for Bhagya when she quotes from the Bhagvad Gita), a random scene in which Bhaijaan’s brothers switch languages to pray to Jesus in English (because Bollywood at large thinks Jesus was angrez and of course does not know he was Asian – remember a similar sample of ignorance when Ranbir Kapoor visits a church in Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani?), and random deshbhakti … you will find it all here.

A remake of the Tamil hit Veeram, Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan has something to say about non-violence but not the IQ to explore it with depth. Bhaijaan often utters lines that sound like the writers expect them to draw wolf whistles, and ends with “Vande mataram”, a refrain in which others join him, though the violence running through the film is based on personal enmities. If you are asking why, that means you expect answers, which means you expect logic, which is kind of you since Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan appears to have no expectations of itself.

Salman fans have long claimed that he is victimised by reviewers. No critic has ever ridiculed Salman’s acting in the way this film does in a scene in which Bhagya tells Bhaijaan that south Indians express themselves with full-bodied emotion and acts out the southern way, following which she asks him how he would show joy, anger etc. With each emotion she cites, the camera focuses on Salman’s face remaining frozen – the scene is meant to be a comment on northerners being less expressive than south Indians, but well, his face is no different throughout the film.

Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan is filled with such unwitting moments of self-mockery, never more stark than in the closing song – a medley of English nursery rhymes. Scholars will tell you that the world’s most famous children’s songs are more profound than they seem. Their writers, you see, do not insult their audience’s intellect, unlike the team of Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan.

Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan is in theatres

Anna M.M. Vetticad is an award-winning journalist and author of The Adventures of an Intrepid Film Critic. She specialises in the intersection of cinema with feminist and other socio-political concerns. Twitter: @annavetticad, Instagram: @annammvetticad, Facebook: AnnaMMVetticadOfficial

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